The hedge-hog song.


Warning, explicit language. Well, a bit.

SONG...

The one song that all Discworld fans will be familiar with, is of course
Nanny Ogg's favourite ballad: 'The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All'

I will start this section with the complete text to the song that might
have been the prototype for the hedgehog-song -- except that it wasn't. It
can be found in Michael Green's book "Why Was He Born So Beautiful And
Other Rugby Songs" (1967, Sphere UK), it is called 'The Sexual Life of the
Camel', it probably dates back to the 1920s/30s, and it goes:

        "The carnal desires of the camel
         Are stranger than anyone thinks,
         For this passionate but perverted mammal
         has designs on the hole of the Sphinx,
         But this deep and alluring depression
         Is oft clogged by the sands of the Nile,
         Which accounts for the camel's expression
         And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

         In the process of Syphilization
         From the anthropoid ape down to man
         It is generally held that the Navy
         Has buggered whatever it can.
         Yet recent extensive researches
         By Darwin and Huxley and Ball
         Conclusively prove that the hedgehog
         Has never been buggered at all.

         And further researches at Oxford
         Have incontrovertibly shown
         That comparative safety on shipboard
         Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
         But, why haven't they done it at Spithead,
         As they've done it at Harvard and Yale
         And also at Oxford and Cambridge
         By shaving the spines off its tail!"


The annoying thing about the hedgehog song is of course that Terry only
leaks us bits and pieces of it, but certainly never enough material to
deduce a complete text from. So alt.fan.pratchett readers decided to write
their *own* version of the song, which is currently at version 1.4 and
available from the Pratchett Archives in the file
/pub/pratchett/misc/hedgehog-song.

The first version of the song was written and posted by Matthew Crosby (who
tried to incorporate all the lines mentioned in the Discworld novels),
after which the text was streamlined and many verses were added by other
readers of the newsgroup. Currently we have thirteen verses, which makes
the song a bit too long to include here in its entirety.

Nevertheless, I thought it would be fun to show what we've come up with, so
I have compromised and chosen to reproduce just my own favourite verses:

        "Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
         But I have to say this as a warning to you:
         With almost all animals, you can have ball
         But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

         CHORUS:
         The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
         They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
         The result I think you'll find will appall:
         The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

         Mounting a horse can often be fun
         An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
         Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
         But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

         A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
         And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
         Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
         But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

         You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
         With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
         We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
         But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

         For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
         To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
         The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
         But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all."



                   The Hedgehog Song, v1.6
                   -----------------------

    Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett

         from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett

                            -----


        Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
        But I have to say this as a warning to you:
        With almost all animals, you can have ball
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1:   The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
            They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
            The result I think you'll find will appall:
            The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

        Mounting a horse can often be fun
        An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
        Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2:   The spines on his back are so awful thick
            you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
            He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
            Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

        Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
        Will be entertaining to both her and you
        Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 1

        A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
        And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
        Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 2

        You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
        It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
        You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 1

        You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
        With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
        We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 2

        You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
        Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
        A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 1

        For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
        Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
        Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 2

        For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
        To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
        The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 1

        Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
        Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
        Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 2

        A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
        Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
        Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 1

        You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
        Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
        A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 1

        A sheep that's named 'Flossy' is warm you shall see,
        You can try with a wasp, you can try with a bee.
        You can hump with the dog that sleeps in the hall,
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 1

        A lion is frisky, a leopard is fun,
        But to keep up with them you may have to run.
        You'll be liked by the fleas at the flea-market stall,
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

            CHORUS 2

        A hippo is funny but take care if underneath,
        A pirhana is pleasant but watch out for his teeth.
        Get a rodent, they can be found in the mall,
        But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

 --------------------------------------------------

This is the alt.fan.pratchett version of the Hedgehog Song. The
original version was thought up by Matthew Crosby, and has since
then been streamlined and expanded by readers of the newsgroup.

If you have any suggestions for improvements or additional verses,
please feel free to post them to alt.fan.pratchett, or mail them
to Matthew Crosby (crosby(at)cs.colorado.edu) or Leo Breebaart
(leo(at)cp.tn.tudelft.nl).

Note from Matthew: "BTW, I know the giraffe verse in the book is
`if you stand on a stool', but this doesn't really rhyme. I've
tried to insert all the other scraps Pterry has given us... if I
missed any, let me know."